Get me out of this cocoon!

Well, things seem to be getting a little better around here. We're slowly starting to break out of our cocoon shell. We've been to church together, had some play dates and having more friends come to the house. We still keep our visits short, but we are thankful for the little bit of time around friends and family. We are so thankful for our friends and family that have been extremely helpful and understanding. Getting out does us a lot of good, but we cross into over-stimulation very quickly. Over-stimulation for Hannah means more tantrums and frustration. I am ready for us all to be back in church again, and for Todd and I to go on a date, and to be able to run an errand with the kids...but we are not there yet. Hopefully soon!

We are communicating more with Hannah, and she is getting into our family rhthym. It's pretty amazing to see the wheels turn in her brain. She has learned so much in 6 weeks! She is constantly practicing her English on us. She's also learning, the hard way, that temper tantrums are not the way to get what you want in our house. I feel sad for Hannah, that for 10 years, she's had to scream at the top of her lungs to get her needs met. [I feel so sorry for our neighbors too that have heard it every day]

Some funny communication moments:
- The Chinese word for noodles sounds like "mean"... when the boys say "you are being mean"...Hannah points to the noodles.
- The Chinese word for rice sounds like "fun"...when we say "are you having fun?" ....she points to the rice
- Hannah has a hard time distinguishing between the "b" and "p" sound. It's pretty funny to help her learn the difference between "I have a boo boo" and "I need to go poo poo."

We are still struggling lots of Hannah's emotions mid-morning. For some reason, there's an emotional switch that gets turned on around 10:00 a.m. It doesn't matter where we are, what we're doing/not doing, what we've eaten or what we're playing with, there will be tears. I've started keeping a meltdown log, trying to find some kind of pattern to help us figure out what we can do different. I pulled out a daily calendar with pictures, to help her see what I have planned for the day. It seems to help when she's not blindsided by a new activity.

Personally, this week has been better than last. I've been overwhelmed by all of the needs of the family and the house. There is usually at least 1 child that is unhappy at all times. I've had to learn to be o.k. with my children being disappointed. I've never been a morning person, but lately I've been waking up way too early with a lot of anxiety about the day. I'm learning to trust God with my day and with my family. I'm learning to pour out my heart to God like David did in the Psalms. I'm learning to let a lot of things go. It's really hard to live by faith. I prayed for joy this morning and it's amazing to see how God flooded my heart with His joy.

Institutionalization has some pretty scary effects. I fear the worse for Hannah. I fear autism or Aspergers for her. I am praying that the things I see will improve over time and that I am wrong.

The kids are screaming for me right now...back to Mama's work.....

Why We Are in "Cocoon Mode"

Our relationship with Hannah is #1 priority right now. She has no sense of relational boundaries. We are helping her establish what is normal for life, and our family in particular. And honestly, I don't want to deal with emotional meltdowns in public.

For our family and friends here in Auburn:

• When you meet Hannah, please only shake her hand. No hugging. No lap sitting. We're teaching her about friends/family/strangers.
• Don't take it personal if you don't see us for awhile.
• If you stop by, please only come 1 or 2 at a time. Hannah gets very overstimulated.
• If you want to give gifts, please give it to me first, and I will give it to her.

1 Month Since Gotcha Day

I cannot believe it's been a month since we met Meiqi Hannah in China. We've been home for 2 weeks. Today was a really hard day for us. I am seeing just how difficult it is for Hannah to deal with loss and grief. A neighbor took the boys to church for a few hours, and I was hoping to get some good one-on-one "fun time" with Hannah but it ended up being a sad morning for her (and me!). She saw the boys leave, in our van with our neighbor. She cried for atleast an hour. I don't know if it's because she felt left out, or she didn't understand that the boys, and the van would be coming back soon. I pray for compassion and understanding. But it's been a struggle for me. It was a frustrating morning. I couldn't help but think "Be grateful that you I am here with you!" [I know, it sounds heartless and selfish on my part]

I've had to ask for a lot of forgiveness lately from the Lord. I've never been on my knees in prayer so much, as I have been the past month. Begging for help. Begging for compassion. Begging for His love to flow through me. Begging for a thankful attitude. Begging for forgiveness at my anger at the life he's called me to. I ask Him why, God, have you called me to this? Why, God, is this so difficult? Why can't I have an easy life? And then I realize that I am throwing the same kind of temper tantrum that my wild 10 year old throws. And I hear God say "Kim, be grateful for all that I've done for you. "

I can choose to be thankful, or I can choose to have a rotten attitude. I can choose to trust God. I can choose to believe promises. I can choose to trust God, rather than my emotions. I can choose to view my children as blessings, rather than intrusions. I can choose to not allow my 10 year old's wild emotions control me.

I probably should've asked Todd write a post today. He's usually a lot more positive than I am. He's a "cup-half-full" kind of guy.

Here are some things I am choosing to be thankful for in my children:

- Hannah's bloodwork came back normal. We've been a little nervous about anything infectious being spread around.
- I am done taking Hannah's stool samples!!
- Hannah and Elijah have taken to each other pretty well. She pushed him on the swing and helped him get dressed yesterday.
- I can see God using Hannah's tears to help the boys become more compassionate. They say "Why is she crying again? Is she ok?"
- Hannah chose to read a bible story book for the first time last night! It was an honor and blessing to show her Jesus on the cross. I told her Jesus says "Wo Ai Ni, Meiqi Hannah" [I love you, Meiqi Hannah]
- I am proud of Micah and his patience with Hannah. If she does something to aggravate him, he just patiently says "No, Hannah."
- We're finally in a good routine each day. Hannah has been playing quietly in her room each afternoon this week, while the boys nap/rest so I can have a little time to myself.
- I am so thankful for my sweet husband, Todd. We've met some single Mom's, also in this journey, and I don't know how they do it. Todd is so helpful, and serving, and patient, and a good sounding board for me.

Our First Week Home

We have survived our first week home with Hannah!!! It has been a tough week. We're thankful it's behind us. I've never wiped so many tears in my life, or made so much food in my life. Usually at least 1 child is crying, sometimes two, or all three. Micah and Elijah have had a tough time re-adjusting to Mama and Daddy. Mama and Daddy are still grumpy from jet-lag. And Hannah, bless her heart, doesn't know her up from down. I feel like we brought another newborn home (in the sense of exhaustion, crying spells, being busy), but a tall newborn that can get into everything. But each day gets a little better.

We have been so blessed by our friends and family. Granny was here the first couple of days we were home, which helped a lot. Grandmother did a lot of laundry for us. And meals are being brought to us 3x week. And we are so thankful for all of the people praying for us.

I have noticed how hungry Hannah is, in more ways that one....

A Hungry Heart - Her emotions have been very out-of-whack. I dont think she's ever been taught how to manage her emotions. Now it's compounded by having a family that cannot understand what she says. The emotional issues have been, by far, our biggest struggle.

A Hungry Soul - There is a constant need for love and affirmation for a former orphan. Hannah constantly needs TLC. Constant reminders that "We love you. We are not leaving you."

A Hungry Body - I have never seen a child eat so much! She eats at least 2 Raman noodle bowls a day plus whatever we eat.

A Hungry Brain - She is soaking up anything and everything we teach her. She is learning lots of English, the ABC's, colors, counting .... Learning lots about how to play with toys, how to play outside, how to be safe in the kitchen, how to be quiet when others are resting, how to share with her brothers, how to help with family chores (which she loves to do).

Some fun "firsts" this week....

• First time to play in the yard. She didn't know what to do at first. She made a face that said "huh? you expect me to play in the dirt?"
• First walk around the neighborhood
• First ride on the swing in the yard. She giggled and giggled, and then I pushed her too hard and she belly-flopped in the dirt. Woops! Bad Mama.
• First outing as a family of five. We went swimming at the Opelika Sportsplex. She loved it.
• First time to play a piano (thank you Macy Maddox)

I have been complaining a lot to God lately ! The hardest thing for me has been to "give up" my afternoon quiet time while the boys nap/rest. Ever since Micah was born 5 years ago, I've protected 1:00 to 3:00 as my time to rest, catch up on personal tasks, etc. I can't do that now (although I am working towards it with Hannah). But God reminded me of what Jim Elliot said "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he can't lose." My time is not really mine to keep. It all belongs to the Lord. When I give away my time and my life to my children, I am storing up treasures in heaven, treasures that will never perish, fade or spoil.

My definition of success, as a Mother, has been challenged as well. God brought to mind Micah 6:8 "What does the Lord require of you? To love mercy, seek justice and walk humbly with your God." If we are learning about how to treat others with mercy and learning how to bring glory to God, than it's a good day for me.

We are planning to stay close to home for the next month or two. We don't mind visitors, we love visitors actually, just not more than a few people at one time. Hannah gets very overwhelmed and over-stimulated, and we're helping her establish what family is.

Week 1 1/2: Orphanage Visit

We were able to visit the orphanage yesterday. This was the first time Meiqi Hannah has been back since our gotcha day last week. She was very nervous. She held my hand tight for the entire drive there. I think she was scared we were bringing her back, although our facilitator told her (in Chinese) we weren't. The orphanage staff were very warm and welcoming. They brought out some fruit and candy for us, talked with us for awhile, and gave us a tour of the facility. Our family was only the 5th or 6th "International" family to adopt from there.



A Small courtyard for kids to play in. Their only outdoor space.

We learned lots of new things about Meiqi Hannah. We learned more pieces of her "lost" history. We learned more about her life as a baby. Some of it was heart-wrenching to hear. They told us some funny stories about her too. Seeing where she spent her first 10 year of her life gives us a much better context about where she is coming from.

When we arrived at the gate, we could not even see the orphanage. It was hidden behind a big fancy apartment building for old folks.

Hidden. The kids are hidden away from society. No one even knows they are there.

The orphanage was very sterile and very plain. There was nothing "soft" or comfortable about it. Nothing homey about it. No carpet or couches or fluffy pillows. Just concrete and beds and a few toys.

No Jesus. No church. No Sunday School. No VBS.

Lostness.

Her orphanage has about 50 kids. About 20 of them are available for adoption.

We were encouraged that Meiqi Hannah was excited to leave with us. That means she has formed a good bond with us this week and that she trusts us. She was proud to show the nanny's our matching necklaces. She was proud to leave with us. She was not upset.



A room full of babies in cribs. Meiqi Hannah shared her candy with all of them.
I think she spent a lot of time helping the Nanny's with these younger kids. 

We are becoming more in tune with our daughter each day. We learn a little more about her, and vice versa. We are learning to laugh more. As Todd says "If we're gonna laugh about it in 5 years, we might as well laugh about it now."

The word "no" is foreign for orphanage kids. They have no concept of boundaries. But Meiqi Hannah has received more loving discipline in 10 days, than I think she has received in 10 years. It is amazing to see the change a child undergoes when she is well loved.
Even tough love!
It is amazing to see the peace that overwhelms her when we pray for her.

Meet Jesus, Meiqi Hannah Pate.

It's also pretty awesome to see how well she is learning English! She's been greeting everyone here "Hello, how are you?"


Ummm, Todd, can we bring another one home?!

Telling the Nanny's Goodbye.

It has been a tough week for us though, I'm not gonna lie. Adoption is a tough journey. It is not for the weary in heart. The enemy has a tight grip on these kids. He does not want them to be loved. He does not want them to hear the Gospel. He wants to keep them locked up, in a communist country, with very little chance of hearing the Gospel. The enemy will do everything in his power to keep families away.


We are sooooo ready to come home!!!!!!

Week 1: Hope When It Seems Hopeless

10 years of institution life (although not really life)
No Jesus
No Education
No Mother or Father
No Social Skills
No Discipline
No Manners
No Social Skills
No English
Very Little Chinese
New Parents that don't speak any Chinese

Seems pretty hopeless, right?

On the contrary, we're finding hope in this mess!!! We are choosing to embrace this mess. We are seeing change and progress.

Todd and I aren't sure who is being changed more: Meiqi Hannah or us. Todd and I are being pruned and pruned again. God is using Meiqi Hannah to help us become more patient and kind and loving and compassionate. I am experiencing our Pursuing God on a whole new level. Chasing her through the hotel while she pitches a fit reminds me of myself. I pitch fits sometimes too and God always pursues me and reminds me of His love.



First carnival ride

After 5 days of lots of smiles and tears, we are rejoicing that we have made it thus far! In some moments, we are thankful to be surviving, and other moments we are thriving. Some things bring her so much joy, and sometimes she will just cry and cry and cry. But isn't it that way with all of us girls?

We have made a lot of progress in the last 5 days since Meiqi Hannah's "gotcha day." We understand a little more about what she needs and wants (much like a newborn) and she is understanding us a little better as well. She is very smart. But I don't think she's ever had anyone teach her and point her in the right direction.

She has learned the tune to the ABC song; she has learned a good bit of English (she says "hello, how are you, thank you"); she can count to three!; she layed with me in the bed while I read all of "Goodnight Moon" (Im pretty sure that's the first book that ever been read to her); she is making good eye contact with us; she knows to stay close to us when we're out in public; she is comfortable with Todd; and we made it through all of dinner at a restaurant without a meltdown tonight!!!! And she has actually chosen to spend time with us rather than watch the dumb Chinese soap operas.

Auburn fans, you'll appreciate this: for some reason, MH loves to scream out "HEY!" very, very loud. A way to get attention, or a bad habit from the orphanage I guess? So we've taught her instead to say "WAR EAGLE, HEY!" It's also pretty funny to hear her say "hey yall" in her Chinese accent.

First piggy-back ride in the park

 I watched Meiqi Hannah sleep tonight and I wept for her. I wept for her heart. I wept for her soul. I am so sad for her. I am sad for her that her own people cannot care for her, and I am sad that we do not understand most of what she says, or look anything like her. I pray that she does not notice the stares we get from her people. I pray that she will, one day, feel like she fits in somewhere. I weep for the 1 million other kids here too, that may never know the love of a Mommy and Daddy.

We are trusting God with a lot. But we have a big God that can move mountains. We have a big God that made everything in 6 days. We are trusting God for a miracle. We are trusting God that He will breathe life into this lifeless soul.

We are trusting God with the plane ride home (24 hours, ugh!). We are trusting God with life once we get home. I am trusting God for Micah and Elijah's little hearts and their understanding of the changes they will have to endure. I weep for them too. I have been a weepy mess!

First swim in a [chilly] pool. Todd is a good sport!

We have one more week here. I want to soak it all in while I can, because this may be the last time we can. I want Meiqi Hannah to soak it all in as well. As much as I don't want to see underwear hanging out to dry when I look out the Pizza Hut window, I will endure it for Meiqi Hannah. As much as I can't stand Chinese soap operas, I am willing to let her watch them for 1 more week! As much as I cannot stomach noodles for breakfast, I am willing to endure the smells for her sake. As much as I want to go home, I am willing to enjoy this culture for 7 more days.

Day's 3 and 4: Big adjustments

The internet and our VPN have been sketchy, so I"m not able to post as much as I would like!

We've had an exciting couple of days. We are learning a lot of Cantonese, and Meiqi Hannah is learning a lot about boundaries, English and love. She's had a lot of firsts: first escalator rides and first time to read a book with an adult (I think). We read a page of "Goodnight Moon" together. She repeated what I read. We've learned, with the help of our translator, that she has no reading and writing skills.

Meiqi Hannah loves baths (3x day!) and eating! Two things, I assume, she's never had much of. As soon as we get back to the room, she jumps in the bath and puts on clean clothes. She eats a noodle bowl (like Raman noodles) every few hours. She carries her backpack around with all of her stuff in it everywhere we go. I think she's afraid of losing it all.

She knows how to test the boundaries. We are learning a lot about sacrificial love.

Please pray for us! Sometimes we are at a loss as to what to do.